Kay Hanley

Once upon a time, I was a young, naive traveler.  With little or no loyalty, I would whore out my travel dollars to the lowest bidder or fly on the chosen airline of whomever was flying me to and fro.  I didn’t care what name was slapped on the plane’s fuselage.  All I wanted was a bloody mary and safe passage.

All that changed with the advent of Jet Blue.  At first I was seduced by the clean, modern look of their advertising and insanely well priced flights. 

The seduction turned into a true love affair when I actually flew on my first Jet Blue flight.  New jets, friendly staff, great website and super efficient electronic check in.  And the televisions.  I admit now that my lust was (perhaps) taken to an irrationally euphoric place because of the TV situation.

So, how did we go so wrong?  I realize now that, although I thought that I was dealing with a lover who loved me back, I was deluding myself.  Jet Blue never loved me.  Jet Blue is a heroin dealer by way of a greedy, selfish boyfriend.

It started with the prices creeping up slowly, but I didn’t see anything nefarious about that, really. I only began realizing the bleak nature of our relationship over the course of the last 3 months or so.  Things have deteriorated rapidly, to put it mildly, including a flight from Boston to LA that I bought 3 seats on for my Mom and 2 kids.  The flight was the one of the most expensive that I found but I didn’t care. It was worth the price for the TV sets alone, knowing that my Mom would have her hands full and the entertainment would help a LOT.  2 of the 3 TVs in their row were broken.

All of a sudden the Jet Blue website has been retarded.  I have been unable to book a seat assignment, even though I have a frequent flyer account.  The prices of flights have suddenly become non-competitive to say the least.  

As I write this, I am sitting in a middle seat for my SEVENTH FLIGHT IN A ROW.   Admittedly, these recent flights have been booked within 2 weeks of my departures, but why is it that I can no longer even look at a seating chart to find out where I’m sitting?  Is it possible that %100 of Jet Blue flyers are so savvy that every single seat is accounted for more than 2 weeks before the flight?  Even if this were so, I would then have to accept that I bought the very last ticket available.

As I wrap up my rant, I would simply like to mention that my TV is broken, as is that of the passenger next to me.  Fuck you, Jet Blue.

Oh YouTube, how do I love thee?  Once you sort through the endless piles of crap, one can find some of the best entertainment ever to be beheld.  And so, I am here say that I have done some sorting for you.  Ladies and gentlemen, the value of the gift I am about to give you cannot be measured by any currency that humanity has ever come up with.  If you have never seen this stuff before, today will mark a new chapter in your meaningless life.  If you are all “Um.. duh, Kay.  I only saw these like, a year ago.”  To that I say, fair enough, but I dare you to watch them again and not have tears streaming down your face.  Oh, you think I’m being hyperbolic?  Yeah, we’ll see about that.

I hope this finally proves once and for all that I love you.  I know you’re always bitching feeling real bad lately about how I don’t buy you candy and flowers and shit anymore.  How I don’t “value” your time or “respect” all the things you do for me.  I know, baby.  I can be selfish sometimes.  But you gotta know that even when I’m ignoring you and seeing other people on the side, I always wanna come back to you and rock that body.  When it’s convenient for me and I’ve had a few too many drinks, it’s always YOU, sexy.  You know that.  Now let me tap that ass and get outta here, kitten.  You’re the best.  I need 5 bucks by the way.  Got that on you?  Cool, cool.  Actually, hold that thought on the ass tappin’ thing.  I just remembered something but I will totally be right back in a few days hours.  Take these youtube videos as a miniscule token of our special love.  Just sit right there looking as beautiful as you are, bathed in the diffused light peeking through the drapes of this Super 8 motel room and how could I NOT come right back?  Don’t bother making the bed - they’ve got people for that.  Sometimes I wonder if you grew up in a barn.  I mean, how are you even comprehending this right now?  Can you even READ?  Jesus Christ, don’t you know anything?!  You know what?  Now you’re just pissing me off.  Where’s my 5 bucks?  Make it 10 now, just for being such a pain in my ass.  Yeah, don’t talk so much, you.  Make sure there’s a 6 pack of tall boys on ice when I get back or there will be no end to how annoyed I am going to be with you.

As you probably know, we had a “moderate” earthquake in Los Angeles today.  The epicenter was located 30 miles east of LA in Chino Hills.  Here is the email that I sent to my family, who were obviously freaking, especially when I could not be reached on my celly.

It was pretty crazy.  We’re still waiting out the aftershocks so we’ll see how the rest of the day goes, but it seems like the worst is over with no injuries or significant damage.  This was my second earthquake, actually.  The first one was much smaller, but it was the jerking kind so it felt scarier.  This one was a rolling earthquake and it didn’t register at first that it even WAS an earthquake.  I was waiting in line to order some lunch so of course, I was looking down texting.  I started swaying back and forth and felt like I was losing my balance.  I was starving so I thought I was dizzy or something and felt like I needed to sit down.  Nobody seemed to be freaking out.  A minute later someone texted me EARTHQUAKE!!!  Then it dawned on me.  I haven’t had cell service since because all the providers are jammed.

It occurs to me now that today was one of the most peaceful days I have had in a long time because after the quake I drove back home to use my land line and took my sweet time getting back to work.  It was like the west coast equivalent of a snow day from school. 

One of the things that I did to waste time today after I decided to not work was cruise around my Google Analytics thingy (thanks schmidley!) and check out the weirdos that are checking out my blog.  For those of you who don’t know what Google Analytics is, and I barely do, it’s a tool for quantifying traffic on your website.  I just use it to see how many hits per day I get on my blog and where the traffic is coming from (i can’t see email or IP addresses so if you’re stalking me, have no fear. i can’t see the 50-100 hits per week originating from your specific location) but my favorite thing to check out is the keywords that people type into search engines that lead them to my blog.  Here are some of the recent winners:

joe jonas ass   (explains itself)

charles manson left handed   (i need to meet this person)

reklam alany   (?)

kay hanley nude   (sorry kids, i’m catholic. not remotely findable. unless…)

kay hanley alcoholic   (i dunno. i was probably drunk)

o quo tangin wann  (oh yeah, that guy. he’s with reklam alany last i heard.  and they’re IN MY ATTIC!!!)

Also, lots of really disgusting shit about Miley of course, which I will not repeat for obvious reasons.  Several requests for naked pictures of pretty much all the gals on the HM/MC tour.  If search engines are the arbiter of truth about the interwebs, then we are all living amongst very, shall we say, singularly focused people.  Or I could just say you are all big pervs.

I also spent a bit of time today on youtube finding videos of songs that I loved in my youth.  This may or may not cause you to think less of me, but I loved really crappy music in my day.  I don’t even know why I am using past tense here because I still love me some crappy music.  I like to balance out my otherwise impeccable taste in everything else.  Yeah, punk? You wanna say somethin’?  Psssshht….

Here’s one of many favorites from back when I had humongous hair and dated jocks that smelled like Polo Cologne. That smell (which is rare to come across these days) still makes me a bit weak in the knees as memories of nervously slow dancing to Open Arms swirl hazily through my brain, but that’s another topic.  Other immediate thoughts:  Whatever happened to Marilyn McCoo?  Also, didn’t Lisa Lisa have huge boobs?

xok 

When I started this little writing experiment last Fall it was because I wanted to document my first gig as a back-up vocalist.  On the biggest concert tour in history.  Also, Greg Garbo from the Jonas Brothers and Miley’s keyboard player, Mike Schmid were both blogging so I felt it was my responsibility to talk about myself too, because lordy knows they were not going to talk about me nearly enough for my liking.  I have a track on Weaponize called Strange Life so I christened my blog with that title.  It seemed fitting.

Here we are, 10 months later and my life has never been stranger.  I mean this in a good way. It is a rare thing, indeed, for a person to have a career and personal life that so vastly blows away anything that mere imagination could concoct.

For example, this was how I spent last Friday morning, courtesy of Vashon’s iPhone at The Today Show in NYC as we prepared to soundcheck for Miley’s set.

nadia and me get ready to shake them asses.

In other news, my girlies from the late, lamented Shut Up Stella continue to kick ass and take names on their solo projects.  Jessie Malakouti just released this video for the song, Trash Me.  She wrote, produced and financed the video by herself which is a stunning accomplishment no matter what the final result.  The fact that it looks gorgeous is frosting, baby.  Check my little sis out:

Dinner at Hungry Cat tonight with USA, Ryan McMillan and his wife Alana.  So excited.

xok 

As it so often is with me, if I don’t take pictures or write it down, it might as well not have happened.  Blogging has been a revelation to me in this regard.  Over the course of my life I have lost so many of what should be my awesome-est memories because my brain is a sieve, but now I can document the stuff that happens not only in detail, but in order!  

One of the highlights of our way too brief vacation was our day trip to Edgartown on the Vineyard courtesy of David & Patricia’s boat.  There aren’t many things I enjoy more than hanging out with my sister Trishie and seeing the Z & Hank have a blast with their cousins.  It was a top quality hang.  

 les enfants terribles.

 eastside 4 life

rockers i have met while yachting. 

 patricia, dave & usa

One of our favorite families from our ‘hood in Los Angeles, The Smalls, also take their vacation in Falmouth every year, but somehow we always miss each other.  This year, we were there at exactly the same time. 

nick, liam & z

the sox crush the twins for our viewing pleasure.

 kim, zozo & new sox fan, bella.

Elizabeth’s boyfriend, Grande, took the most amazing pictures and was super brillz to load them into my iPhoto. Here are some highlights.

papa, brendan and hank plot their next lego project 

is there anything else?

 chucks on the beach

 erin & elizabeth

And then, there was the annual townie throwdown featuring the usual cast of hooligans as well as some newbies.  I love my Boston homeys, I really do.

whuudya want from me?

i BROUGHT the fucking miller high life, fer crissakes

there is no “i” in team

and there is no “h” in wiffle.   

usa, mr. quigley, donna & dr. rickles 

And now I am back in LA.  Actually, I’ve been back for a week but I’ve been ripping my hair out with work related busyness, including a 24 hour trip to NY that involved a 5:30am wake-up call and booty shaking with Ms. Cyrus on national television.  I don’t understand how it is that I have the funnest career of any person on this earth, yet I am practically blind with stress half the time.  I think it has something to do with my time management.  Or lack thereof.  

Having a birthday shindig for Michelle tonight, so I should get crackalackin’.  

• plan menu
• sing care bears demo
• finish lyrics first, maybe 
• buy food
• cook it
• feed guests
• drink too much
• sing happy birthday
• have another glass of wine
• clean up
• pre-emptive advil, glass of water
• nightcap
• bed

xok 

I have no idea what I’ve been doing for the last 15 years of my life, but I do know this:  USA Mike & I have not taken a proper vacation since our bizarre Disney World trip in ’95.  (please remind me to recount that story for you someday…)  Even our honeymoon was sandwiched in between tours and we ended up staying at Tom & Jacqueline Lord Alge’s condo in South Beach on our way to play a show in Ft Lauderdale or something like that.  Seriously – we crashed on our friends’ couch (a very nice one, of course) for our honeymoon, for chrissakes.  We are terrible vacationers.

Usually when we go home to Boston, we think, “Oh, we’re in our hometown so we should play a show.”  What happens next is that we turn a perfectly lovely visit with the family into a giant clusterfuck of commuting from the Cape to Boston for rehearsals and then we have to try and see all of our friends for dinner and then we have to play the show and maybe we should get a hotel so we don’t have to worry about the drive and hey mom & dad would you mind just babysitting for our kids while we do this other stuff and so on and so forth.

This year, we made an executive decision to peace out on all that.  I am doing nothing but sitting on my arse and laughing with my sisters until our tummies hurt, arguing vigorously with good ol’ Tom Hanley about politics, weeping with my Mom about the gorgeous ways we’ve failed each other over the years, watching from the beach while USA takes ZoZo and Henry swimming in the Atlantic Ocean because I’m afraid of seaweed and allergic to freezing salt water and watching every moment of the Red Sox in real time.  I will not go anywhere that involves driving a car if I can help it although I will make a few exceptions:

•  Tea at Patricia’s house.
• Guinness with Fish & Chips at Liam McGuire’s.   

I will eat at least 75 oysters, 1 lb. of USA’s pulled pork, 150 steamers, 2 lobsters, 50-100 fried clams (with bellies), 3 hot dogs and/or cheeseburgers, and a dozen steak tips from The Ninety-Nine.  I will drink 12 Harpoon IPA’s, 2 Grey Goose dirty martinis (extra dirty & extra cold) and an incalculable amount of white wine.  Some of that white wine may come out of a spigot attached to a box.

We’ll invite the usual suspects to our annual summer hang.  Pete Stone will tell everyone for the billionth time how if he and I were the last 2 people on Earth after a nuclear annihilation of some sort, the human race would die out.  I’m starting to think he isn’t totally afraid of my cooties because c’mon now, who goes on and on about such an unlikely scenario?  Pete, do we need to talk?  Great!  I’ll see you next weekend at my parents’ house and we’ll sort it out then.  Quigley & Casey will bring the Frisbees I think, but I might be making that up.  They may just bring a case of beer.  Some Horrigan family representatives would be nice.  Nate, please feel free to bring your lady.  You can introduce me as your frail, elderly aunt.  

Whew.  It’s been a wild year.  Even though I’m too wired to sleep, I am so content to be sitting outside in the pitch black, listening to the lighthouse horn and gearing up for a few moments of much needed nothing. 

Fuck.  I just got drilled by a mosquito.  Mommy!!!!! 

-xok 

The other day we went over to Michelle’s house.  Duh, what else is new?  I’ll tell you what’s new, smarty pants - Lisa Loeb has an utterly charming kids record out called Camp Lisa and she was shooting a music video in Michelle’s back yard.   Zoemay and I sang on a few songs so Z was thrilled to be invited to jump around with Lisa for the video shoot.  

awwww….. 

Z is holding a Daisy Rock guitar, btw.  I LOVE these guitars and I finally got to meet the owner of the company after 5 years of working together on various projects, not the least of which was her creating 5 different Care Bears guitars for the We Are The Care Bears video.  Thanks Tish, it was great to finally meet you in person.

The video was directed by Gary and shot by Kaylyn.  At the end of a very long day,  Z got  a lift home in Kaylyn’s bitchin’ convertible Mini Cooper.  I am so jealous of this car.

whatchu lookin’ at punk? 

Other stuff & things:

• Check out Jessie Malakouti’s myspace page and listen to #1 Big Booty, a song that she and I wrote with Wayne Rodrigues for Jessie’s upcoming solo debut.
• Michelle and I sat down with Scott Austin and filmed an interview for his new web broadcast, :90 Music Show w/ Scott Austin.

 I’m in Provo, Utah today for a huge 4th of July concert featuring Ms. Thing as the headliner.  Then it’s off to Cape Cod where I will collapse on Mommy & Daddy’s hammock and cry for a week demand that people bring me things like lobsters, my phone, a hot dog, a blanket and another blanket because it will be cold at night.  I’ll probably need a pillow while you’re up.  Thank you.   No, you can’t use the hammock because I will be on it for the rest of the week.  Go away now, but first will you bring me that sunscreen?  Ok, I think I have everything now.  Check in later because I may think of other things that I want and/or need.  

Yup.  That’s the plan.

-xok 

Last night we had a lovely party to celebrate the 9th anniversary of the birth of our best gal, Zoe Mabel. Her birthday isn’t actually until next week but this was the last chance to get all of her homies together before she leaves for Cape Cod for the summer. She is such a good kid, I have to *squink squink* my eyeballs in amazement sometimes.

 they all look like teenagers now.  go easy on me, please.

The night before, USA returned from 2 weeks on the road with Rob Dickinson.  For the first week that he was away I held down the fort like a champ but after several Celtics games and pool parties where everyone converged on the home of the rockers, my well oiled machine quickly began coming off the rails.  Here’s a roundup of the 2 weeks that USA was away and all the hooligans that forced me to rock out while the laundry and dishes piled up.

 bill likes to tickle. carol is supportive. stacy gets cozy in front of the tv.

jamie & joey seem nice enough but that kaylyn has always been a troublemaker.

  carol & courtney reprazent tha LMV

At one point during game 5 of the Celtics/Lakers series, my neighbor Ami (a lakers fan) snuck away from the game action in the living room briefly enough to a) not be missed and b) do this to my son.

 this is so wrong. put a yankees cap on him while you’re at it.

Not for nothing, but Carol took this picture and several others.  Thanks a lot, MILFA, I see how it is now.  When I found the pictures on my camera I jumped up and down, threw a fit and proclaimed righteous indignation to all those involved (including ami’s wife and kid) but between me and you, I thought it was pretty funny.  Look at poor Henry with his Rondo shirt underneath the Kobe one, knowing that he was doing something he shouldn’t.  Also, as a lifelong Boston sports fan, I had to respect the cojones.  Don’t tell Ami that though, because he and Jackie owe us dinner because the stupid LAKERS LOST.  HAHA!!!  The more guilt I pour on, the more impressive the dinner will be, is how I figure it.

Other things that have happened over the last few weeks:

The members of one of the bands I’m in went down to Nashville for a week to shoot scenes for a movie.  I think I signed some sort of confidentiality agreement, so I can’t reveal what the movie was or any details, but I think it’s fair to post some pix.  

 me standing in for the star

  stacy and schmidley with some girl.

 One of my closest girlfriends, Melissa Eltringham, moved to Nashville last year.  I cannot express how happy I was to see her and catch up.  When she showed up at my hotel to pick me up for dinner, Hillary Clinton was on CNN giving what we thought was going to be a concession speech (’twas not to be).  We spent the first 15 minutes of our long awaited reunion glued to the TV watching an historic moment in American politics.  How fitting.  It’s a gift to have women like her in my life.  

  love ya, melisse. whoreanous mani/pedi and all…

Henry graduated from pre-school so naturally he and his friends wanted to celebrate at McDonald’s.  He and the guys are all big kindergarteners now.  Gah!  How did that happen?

hank, ryan, aidan & caleb moving up in style.

 On deck:  a whole lot of nothing, I hope.  And then I have to learn the new Miley record for our dates this month.  More to come….

xok 

Conroy called me this afternoon.  Like most of my non - face to face interaction with close personal friends, Conroy and I keep our daily chit chat as efficient as possible. We text (i.e. omg!!! andre 3000 at studio city trader joes! wearing suspenders and a straw hat!!!!!).  If I get a call from him during the day, which I hardly ever do, it usually has to do with CNN alerts (that go straight to his phone because he is a dork and i mean that as a compliment), usually of a wonky, political nature.  American politics is pretty much my favorite topic of conversation no matter how arcane, so I always pick up.  When I answered the phone today I was expecting an outraged kerfuffle about the dissenting opinions on the Supreme Court decision regarding Gitmo.  Or something like that.  Right now, I wish that I had been right.

conroy:  ”i just got a cnn alert.  i think tim russert is dead.  he collapsed at nbc’s washington bureau” 

me: “what???!!!”

conroy: “…………”

me: “…………”

Frankly,  I was surprised by how hard it was for me to hear this news.  The first thing I thought about was Mr. Russert’s sign off on Meet The Press last weekend when he gave a proud shout out to his son Luke to congratulate the boy on his graduation from Boston College.  In true Russert style, the moment was brief, to the point and with no self aggrandizement.   I then began to think about the amazing interviews that he was on the receiving end of as he promoted the book that he wrote about his dad, Big Russ, who has now outlived him.  I have no idea where the feeling came from, but I started crying.

What a terrible loss.  On so many levels.  Tim Russert was one of the best that American journalism had to offer.  His interviews with political figures could always be counted on for unparalleled substance and depth.  His unabashed adoration and respect for his family gave him a humanity that engendered trust from his audience and admiration from his peers.  Like most grown ups, he approached our rapidly changing society and world with common sense so rarely reflected in today’s political coverage.  His journalistic ethos transcended the mindless chest thumping that has turned most political debate into shrill, partisan ghettos.  

My only hope is that the loss of Tim Russert will be instructive.  I hope that American journalists will take this opportunity to look at how they have failed us in recent history.  It is now time to reinvigorate the standards that our journalists were once known for and to uphold the uncompromising character that seemed so effortless in the hands of a guy who passionately loved to find truth in an arena that hates to reveal it.

-xok 

Is it possible for one to more absolutely prove their relentless self absorption than by having one of these??  I say this because I do have one and I feel very up my own ass as a result.

 

Twitter.  As a noun it seems cute as in “I just joined Twitter”.  But when you use it as a verb as in “I am twittering more often than Mike Schmid these days” it sounds kind of dirty.  Maybe that won’t be such a problem as I have just discovered that the correct usage of Twitter as a verb is “Tweeting”.   If you go back to your original Latin text of Virgil’s “Aeneid”, I believe you will find that tweeting is derived from the first person singular of the indicative active present.  Oh, first conjugation, of course - LOL!  But I didn’t need to tell YOU that… 

Want to see my Twitter?  Shit, I just disproved my initial point.  Oh, well.

- xok