Kay Hanley

It’s no secret that I listen to right wing radio.  To me, it’s the ultimate performance art.  In the last week, however, the bullshitty hypocrisy has been hard to find amusing.

Dubya ran on a faux Reagan platform of humility when it came to America’s involvement in international affairs based on specious arguments that Clinton had meddled needlessly, thus resulting in lost blood and treasure for no reason.  I mean, c’mon! If people in Somalia and the former “Yugoslavia” or whatever can’t stand up for themselves, then fuck them.  Right? 

Well, apparently not.  Apparently when an American President of the Democratic persuasion decides to exercise patience and wait for shit to play out in oh, I dunno, a sometimes sloppy and maybe even violent way?  Somewhat like the century long struggle before Reagan got to say “Mr. Gorbachev! Tear down this wall!!”?  Apparently that’s unacceptable. 

 Oh, how things change when Republicans want to reframe the argument.  Happily, nobody gives a shit about their arguments anymore.

The human desire for freedom and self determination is inherent in all of us.  Having clear examples of the experiences that define the struggle is what gives people the balls to take to the streets and fight for that human desire.  

The Iranian people, dare I say youth, are not acting out and taking to the streets because of any fear they may (and probably don’t) have of facing down American military might.  Instead, what used to be an inspirational abstraction,  the idea of a free population in a Muslim society, is taking hold.  The power of Western popular culture, bolstered by technology.  A whole new world that no bomb or gun could ever match.

Well in that case, now would be an excellent time to write a new one since I am being held hostage on this flight from Dallas to NY after playing a week of super fun rock shows with my old band, Letters To Cleo.  And I am in a writerly mood.

 me + the boyz in nola.

greatest muffalletta ever.  i ordered the small and it was as big as my head. 

Our first show was in New Orleans at a big outdoor party in Lafayette Sq.  Guess who our opening act was?  Oh, The Saints’ press conference announcing that the City of New Orleans would be hosting the 2013 Superbowl.  That was all kinds of awesome, but I would be remiss if I did not gently recommend that the both team + city might want to get crackalackin’ on having certain areas of their shit together before then.

Dan Foreman, the promoter of the show, took us on a destructo-tour (Dan, trademark that stat!) of the Lower 9^th Ward and St. Bernard Parish, areas of the city that were decimated when the levees failed the day after Katrina hit.  I could not believe what my eyes were asking my brain to comprehend.  Words?  Naw.  See for yourself.   

sorry, mary. 

inside mary’s house. 

oh, the irony. 

4 years later, rebuilding slowly.. 

As I noted that day via Twitter, it was a bleak tourist attraction for sure, but it was fascinating.  I will be grateful forever that I had the opportunity to observe both the wreckage and rebuilding that are consequences of this unhappy American experience.

The rest of the week was spent sharing the bill with our pals Cruiserweight as we  rolled through the Texas triumvirate: Houston, Austin and Dallas. I ran into tons of friends along the way. I definitely consumed my yearly beer/BBQ quota in 3 days time and I have the big fat ass to prove it.  Nothing but wheatgrass and brown rice when I get back to LA.  Sheeyahh….

USA is on his way back to LA with Stacy and Paul so he’ll be squishing with Zoe + Henry within a few hours.  I’m on my way to NY to spend this evening celebrating my sister Elizabeth’s birthday in Brooklyn, a day recovering and meetings on Tuesday.  THEN I get to go home for squishes.  

-xok 

Me + the boys are hitting the road next week to indulge in beer drinkin’, pool shootin’ and most importantly, rocking your ass.  If you live in New Orleans, Houston, Austin or Dallas we’d love to see you.

May 20, 2009 
Lafayette Square Park, New Orleans, LA
500 block of St. Charles Avenue
Tickets: Free 
All ages
5:00 pm

May 21, 2009 
House Of Blues Bronze Peacock, Houston, TX
1204 Caroline Steet
Tickets: $15.50 in advance, $18.00 at the door 
All ages
9:00 pm
Also performing: Cruiserweight

May 22, 2009 
The Parish, Austin, TX
214 East 6th Street
Tickets: $16.00 in advance, $18.00 at the door 
All ages
9:00 pm
Also performing: Cruiserweight

May 23, 2009 
The Loft, Dallas, TX
1135 South Lamar
Tickets: $12.00 in advance, $17.00 at the door 

All ages 

 photo credit: steven

During a lovely evening of drinks and chit chat at Laurel Tavern with writer/comic/new media mogul, Jill Kushner,  I was hipped to The Molls Show, a web based blog/vlog/performance art thingy that Jill’s company FM78.tv is distributing.  As it turned out, Molls was looking for music to underscore a new video that she was editing and after talking to Jill the next day, she decided to use Don’t Drop A Bomb, a song that I wrote and recorded with Fannius for my last record, Weaponize.

After a flurry of emails between me, Fannius and Molls, it was decided that the ladies would come to Casa de Rocker to film shenanigans for the next webisode of The Molls Show.  They came, we acted like idiots, we got it all on tape.  The picture above is us filming our reaction to the infamous vomit porn, 2 Girls 1 Cup.  We felt that there aren’t enough of those floating around already.

xok 

I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

- How Soon Is Now?  The Smiths 

You were working as a waitress at a cocktail bar when I met you.

- Don’t You Want Me Baby?  Human League  

Am I the manager or am I not?

- Am I The Manager Or Am I Not?  Centro-Matic

 In the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream.

- Born To Run  Bruce Springsteen   

She was a fast machine she kept her motor clean.     *ed. note: um, eww? 

- You Shook Me All Night Long   AC/DC

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high.

- Somewhere Over The Rainbow   Dorothy 

What’s with these homeys dissing my girl?

- Buddy Holly  Weezer 

We were lovers, we were kissers, we were holders of hands we were make-believers.

- I’m Still In Love  The Stills 

Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol.  Cocaine.

- Feel Good Hit Of The Summer   QOTSA

Her green plastic watering can for her fake chinese rubber plant in fake plastic earth.

- Fake Plastic Trees  Radiohead 

I’m realizing now that this task is utterly insane.  I could sit here for hours and still keep thinking of more and more songs with amazing opening lyrics.  Feh.  So yes, I know this list is incomplete but the sunshine awaits and I must go bask in its glorious rays.  I ain’t even gonna wear no sunscreen neither.  Check me out, living recklessly.

Daylight savings is retarded.  I don’t like it.

 -xok

 Thanks everyone for your fabulous ideas.  I will be picking the winner(s) today and blogging the results tomorrow.  Y’all are the bee’s knees.

-xok 

Here’s the deal.  I have nothing going on.  I have wasted this entire week in ways that I never thought possible.  I would like to write a blog, but i can’t think of anything.  So at this critical moment, I ask you, what would you like me to write about?  Any and all suggestions will be open to consideration.   In some ways, the more ridiculous the better but topics of substance are good too.  Post a blog title in the comments section and I will make it happen.  What do you get out of this?  A co- executive producer credit if you pick the winning title and the happy feeling that you’ll get from preventing a bored musician from going to beauty school.  Or to the mall.

I’ve had this weird ear thing off and on for the past few months.  You know how when you’re on a plane and you’re landing and your ears get all cloggy so you open your jaw like you’re yawning or chew gum to un-clog them? It’s exactly like that but since I’m not on a plane, it affects only the right side and the weird sensation doesn’t respond to yawning or gum-smacking,  my vertigo-inducing ear thing is most likely a brain tumor which is why there is no way in hell that I am going to see a doctor about this.

Dr. Blizzblazz:  ”Kay, I can’t believe you’ve been walking around in this condition for months.  Clearly, you have a saint-like threshold for pain and discomfort.”

Me:  ”Well, Dr. B, I have a lot of responsibilities.  When so many people depend on you, who has the time or inclination to get sidetracked by a silly old ear thing?  I mean, those blind Gypsy orphans ain’t gonna teach themselves to run edits on a pro-tools rig!  Am I right or am I right?  Haha!  Anyhoodles, I’m late for my lunch at The Peninsula so can I just get some like, penicillin and some Vikes or whatever and be on me old way?”

 Dr. Blizzblazz:  ”Of course you can, but I hardly see how this will help a person who’s already well into the dying process and only has 36 hours to live.”

 Me:  ”……….”

So right now, I am retiring to bed where I shall hopefully sleep until morning, dreaming about candy and french fries while maintaining my blissful ignorance about the fact that I am dying.  Of a sizable brain tumor.  Before I go (to sleep, not to my grave. for now…), however, I’ll alert you to the true purpose of my post, which is to reveal the results of my iTunes Shuffle Questionnaire.  I love this kind of crap.  I swear on my first and last cat Snowball’s unholy ghost, I did not manipulate these results!!  Which won’t surprise you really, as a lot of the the answers don’t make sense.  Or do they?  No, some of ‘em really don’t.

IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?   Coffee Cup (Dillon Fence)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?   Where’s Your Kiss?  (Dillon Fence)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?    Biting The Soles Of My Feet  (Electric Soft Parade)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?   Effigy  (Uncle Tupelo)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?   Have A Drink On Me   (AC/DC)

WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?  She’s A Mover  (Big Star)

 WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?   Time Wraps Around You  (Velvet Crush)

 WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?   My Moon My Man (Feist)

 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?   Gotta Get Back  (Shelby Lynne)

 WHAT IS 2 + 2?   Snowsuit Sound  (Sloan)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?  Let’s Go Out Tonight  (Michelle Lewis/Kay Hanley writing demo)

 WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?   Don’t Freak Out  (Lindsey Ray/Curt Schneider/Kay Hanley writing demo)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?  Shake It Off (Wilco)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?  You Give Love A Bad Name  (Bon Jovi)

 WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?   Who Will I Be (Demi Lovato)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?    Quiet Storm King (Figdish)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?   Eiffel Tower High  (Husker Du)

 WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?    The Bones Of An Idol  (The New Pornographers)

 WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?    Hangin’ Tree  (Queens Of The Stone Age)

 WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?   Broken Chairs  (Built To Spill)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?    The Pilot’s On The Wall  (Centro-matic)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?   Tears For Affairs  (Camera Obscura)

 - xok

photo credit: john ozimek 

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I use Google Analytics to track the sorry incredible non popularity of my blog.  There are crap loads of complicated things you can do with this technologically advanced tool, but none of it is of much interest to me except for how many hits per day I get and the “Keyword” function.  The latter is a list of the keywords that people type into search engines that lead to them to any given website.  I hadn’t checked my GA in awhile, so I was delighted to see how many new and disturbing words that people are clacking out on their computers as they find their way to my humble bloggy.  Let’s take a cruise through some of the winners.

•  why is kay hanly (sic) so anoying (sic)?

Probably because I am a noted spelling bee champ, a cunning linguist and extremely judgmental when it comes to you making careless errors in the most basic functions of the English language.  I detest you, stupidhead.

•  I fucked kay hanley

28 visits to my blog based on this keyword alone!  I have to admit that I found myself blushing and kinda flattered because it exponentially over-inflates the number of members in what I’ve always considered to be a fairly lonely club.

•  drunk milfas

You, sir, have penetrating powers of insight.  

•  pics of me fucking our babysitter

Dude, if you need to ask Google where those pictures are then I’m afraid you may want to dial back your enthusiasm.

•  dropped out of college waitress

1. Take a poker from your fireplace.
2. Travel to the fiery center of hell.
3. Insert the poker into the molten rock until it glows white hot.
4. Come back to the surface of Earth.
5. Find me in Studio City and plunge the searing steel into my heart.
6. Thanks, asshole.

•  ball shit sexy fucking

Okay, here’s the thing.  If your balls and your shit have ANYTHING in common during fucking, I can pretty much guarantee that the sexy quotient is zero.  I’m not Google but even I know that. 

• kara dioguardi feet (so many variations on the theme that i was literally shocked.)

This is strange.  I know Kara is a new celeb because of American Idol but since she’s a close friend and I’ve hot-tubbed it with her,  I happen to know what she looks like naked.  Her feet, while perfectly fine,  are the least of her attributes, yet there are literally dozens of searches for images of her feet and about 4 looking for her nude.  People are idiots.  Nobody wants to see my feet, by the way.  Not sure whether to be insulted or relieved.  

•  kay hanley obituary

Whoa.  That’s intense.  And stupid.  Everyone knows that I’m a pretty robot princess hero, therefore I shall live forever.  That’s what my mom and her fencing coach told me when they dropped me at the happy special orphanage.  Wait, did I ever actually get solid confirmation on that?  Note to self….

•  photos of liberal assholes

I practically shed a tear of pride that someone found my blog based on this search.

 I hope you enjoyed today’s Fun With Google Analytics!  As you can see, our fellow human travelers are weirdo perverts with very little redeeming value.  Thank you, internet, for once again shining your bold spotlight of truth onto this mortal coil.  

xok 

So yesterday at 4pm sharp, Courtney, Carol and I hopped into a cab with two suitcases filled with food and wine.   With permission slips from our babies’ daddies in hand, we made our way over Laurel Canyon to watch the Oscars at Sunset Towers in the fabulous hotel room of one of Courtney’s PR clients.  Coincidentally, his digs just happened to overlook the Vanity Fair Oscar Party’s red carpet.  Wheeee!!!!  God, I love the gays….

 the milfas reprazent tha lmv

From our elevated perch, we surveyed our lair.  Thousands of fans lined the north sidewalk of Sunset Boulevard, screaming madly whenever a car would pull up and deposit say, Mickey Rourke on the south sidewalk.  I’m not gonna lie - it was oddly thrilling being this close to an event that is so quintessentially American and iconic.  I was surprised, quite frankly, that I gave a shit.  It turns out that I do!  

My unique perspective allowed me to photograph never before seen images:  The tops of movie stars’ heads.   Once you’ve seen the tops of movie stars’ heads, you will never want to see their rarified visages and preternaturally well preserved vessels the boring, regular way ever again.  Don’t believe me?  Well look-y here and recognize, fool.

aniston + mayer debut their special whatever

madonna can bench, what?  650?  800?

natalie cleans up real good for a rap star

will + jada: suspiciously convincing beards happy couple  

 sjp and mb are a magical fairytale by way of a cloud made of hearts

‘Twas great fun as evidenced by my pounding skull.  The End.

 xok