Kay Hanley

 

photo credit: john ozimek 

 

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I use Google Analytics to track the sorry incredible non popularity of my blog.  There are crap loads of complicated things you can do with this technologically advanced tool, but none of it is of much interest to me except for how many hits per day I get and the “Keyword” function.  The latter is a list of the keywords that people type into search engines that lead to them to any given website.  I hadn’t checked my GA in awhile, so I was delighted to see how many new and disturbing words that people are clacking out on their computers as they find their way to my humble bloggy.  Let’s take a cruise through some of the winners.

 

•  why is kay hanly (sic) so anoying (sic)?

Probably because I am a noted spelling bee champ, a cunning linguist and extremely judgmental when it comes to you making careless errors in the most basic functions of the English language.  I detest you, stupidhead.

 

•  I fucked kay hanley

28 visits to my blog based on this keyword alone!  I have to admit that I found myself blushing and kinda flattered because it exponentially over-inflates the number of members in what I’ve always considered to be a fairly lonely club.

 

•  drunk milfas

You, sir, have penetrating powers of insight.  

 

•  pics of me fucking our babysitter

Dude, if you need to ask Google where those pictures are then I’m afraid you may want to dial back your enthusiasm.

 

•  dropped out of college waitress

1. Take a poker from your fireplace.
2. Travel to the fiery center of hell.
3. Insert the poker into the molten rock until it glows white hot.
4. Come back to the surface of Earth.
5. Find me in Studio City and plunge the searing steel into my heart.
6. Thanks, asshole.

•  ball shit sexy fucking

Okay, here’s the thing.  If your balls and your shit have ANYTHING in common during fucking, I can pretty much guarantee that the sexy quotient is zero.  I’m not Google but even I know that. 

 

• kara dioguardi feet (so many variations on the theme that i was literally shocked.)

This is strange.  I know Kara is a new celeb because of American Idol but since she’s a close friend and I’ve hot-tubbed it with her,  I happen to know what she looks like naked.  Her feet, while perfectly fine,  are the least of her attributes, yet there are literally dozens of searches for images of her feet and about 4 looking for her nude.  People are idiots.  Nobody wants to see my feet, by the way.  Not sure whether to be insulted or relieved.  

 

•  kay hanley obituary

Whoa.  That’s intense.  And stupid.  Everyone knows that I’m a pretty robot princess hero, therefore I shall live forever.  That’s what my mom and her fencing coach told me when they dropped me at the happy special orphanage.  Wait, did I ever actually get solid confirmation on that?  Note to self….

 

•  photos of liberal assholes

I practically shed a tear of pride that someone found my blog based on this search.

 

 

 I hope you enjoyed today’s Fun With Google Analytics!  As you can see, our fellow human travelers are weirdo perverts with very little redeeming value.  Thank you, internet, for once again shining your bold spotlight of truth onto this mortal coil.  

 

 

xok 

As you probably know, we had a “moderate” earthquake in Los Angeles today.  The epicenter was located 30 miles east of LA in Chino Hills.  Here is the email that I sent to my family, who were obviously freaking, especially when I could not be reached on my celly.

 

It was pretty crazy.  We’re still waiting out the aftershocks so we’ll see how the rest of the day goes, but it seems like the worst is over with no injuries or significant damage.  This was my second earthquake, actually.  The first one was much smaller, but it was the jerking kind so it felt scarier.  This one was a rolling earthquake and it didn’t register at first that it even WAS an earthquake.  I was waiting in line to order some lunch so of course, I was looking down texting.  I started swaying back and forth and felt like I was losing my balance.  I was starving so I thought I was dizzy or something and felt like I needed to sit down.  Nobody seemed to be freaking out.  A minute later someone texted me EARTHQUAKE!!!  Then it dawned on me.  I haven’t had cell service since because all the providers are jammed.

  

 

It occurs to me now that today was one of the most peaceful days I have had in a long time because after the quake I drove back home to use my land line and took my sweet time getting back to work.  It was like the west coast equivalent of a snow day from school. 

One of the things that I did to waste time today after I decided to not work was cruise around my Google Analytics thingy (thanks schmidley!) and check out the weirdos that are checking out my blog.  For those of you who don’t know what Google Analytics is, and I barely do, it’s a tool for quantifying traffic on your website.  I just use it to see how many hits per day I get on my blog and where the traffic is coming from (i can’t see email or IP addresses so if you’re stalking me, have no fear. i can’t see the 50-100 hits per week originating from your specific location) but my favorite thing to check out is the keywords that people type into search engines that lead them to my blog.  Here are some of the recent winners:

 

joe jonas ass   (explains itself)

charles manson left handed   (i need to meet this person)

reklam alany   (?)

kay hanley nude   (sorry kids, i’m catholic. not remotely findable. unless…)

kay hanley alcoholic   (i dunno. i was probably drunk)

o quo tangin wann  (oh yeah, that guy. he’s with reklam alany last i heard.  and they’re IN MY ATTIC!!!)

 

Also, lots of really disgusting shit about Miley of course, which I will not repeat for obvious reasons.  Several requests for naked pictures of pretty much all the gals on the HM/MC tour.  If search engines are the arbiter of truth about the interwebs, then we are all living amongst very, shall we say, singularly focused people.  Or I could just say you are all big pervs.

I also spent a bit of time today on youtube finding videos of songs that I loved in my youth.  This may or may not cause you to think less of me, but I loved really crappy music in my day.  I don’t even know why I am using past tense here because I still love me some crappy music.  I like to balance out my otherwise impeccable taste in everything else.  Yeah, punk? You wanna say somethin’?  Psssshht….

Here’s one of many favorites from back when I had humongous hair and dated jocks that smelled like Polo Cologne. That smell (which is rare to come across these days) still makes me a bit weak in the knees as memories of nervously slow dancing to Open Arms swirl hazily through my brain, but that’s another topic.  Other immediate thoughts:  Whatever happened to Marilyn McCoo?  Also, didn’t Lisa Lisa have huge boobs?

 

 

 

xok