Kay Hanley

 

photo credit: john ozimek 

 

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I use Google Analytics to track the sorry incredible non popularity of my blog.  There are crap loads of complicated things you can do with this technologically advanced tool, but none of it is of much interest to me except for how many hits per day I get and the “Keyword” function.  The latter is a list of the keywords that people type into search engines that lead to them to any given website.  I hadn’t checked my GA in awhile, so I was delighted to see how many new and disturbing words that people are clacking out on their computers as they find their way to my humble bloggy.  Let’s take a cruise through some of the winners.

 

•  why is kay hanly (sic) so anoying (sic)?

Probably because I am a noted spelling bee champ, a cunning linguist and extremely judgmental when it comes to you making careless errors in the most basic functions of the English language.  I detest you, stupidhead.

 

•  I fucked kay hanley

28 visits to my blog based on this keyword alone!  I have to admit that I found myself blushing and kinda flattered because it exponentially over-inflates the number of members in what I’ve always considered to be a fairly lonely club.

 

•  drunk milfas

You, sir, have penetrating powers of insight.  

 

•  pics of me fucking our babysitter

Dude, if you need to ask Google where those pictures are then I’m afraid you may want to dial back your enthusiasm.

 

•  dropped out of college waitress

1. Take a poker from your fireplace.
2. Travel to the fiery center of hell.
3. Insert the poker into the molten rock until it glows white hot.
4. Come back to the surface of Earth.
5. Find me in Studio City and plunge the searing steel into my heart.
6. Thanks, asshole.

•  ball shit sexy fucking

Okay, here’s the thing.  If your balls and your shit have ANYTHING in common during fucking, I can pretty much guarantee that the sexy quotient is zero.  I’m not Google but even I know that. 

 

• kara dioguardi feet (so many variations on the theme that i was literally shocked.)

This is strange.  I know Kara is a new celeb because of American Idol but since she’s a close friend and I’ve hot-tubbed it with her,  I happen to know what she looks like naked.  Her feet, while perfectly fine,  are the least of her attributes, yet there are literally dozens of searches for images of her feet and about 4 looking for her nude.  People are idiots.  Nobody wants to see my feet, by the way.  Not sure whether to be insulted or relieved.  

 

•  kay hanley obituary

Whoa.  That’s intense.  And stupid.  Everyone knows that I’m a pretty robot princess hero, therefore I shall live forever.  That’s what my mom and her fencing coach told me when they dropped me at the happy special orphanage.  Wait, did I ever actually get solid confirmation on that?  Note to self….

 

•  photos of liberal assholes

I practically shed a tear of pride that someone found my blog based on this search.

 

 

 I hope you enjoyed today’s Fun With Google Analytics!  As you can see, our fellow human travelers are weirdo perverts with very little redeeming value.  Thank you, internet, for once again shining your bold spotlight of truth onto this mortal coil.  

 

 

xok 

As the summer draws to a close I would simply like to say that it’s about time.  We have officially run out of things to do with Zoe & Henry.  I am exhausted and possibly in need of a liver transplant from the endless bbqs and pool parties.  I am leaping for joy that school starts on Wednesday so I can resume my more regimented and only somewhat excessive life.   

I would be remiss if I did not mention, however, that we have had such a blast this year and I can’t help but reflect on my charmed fate since relocating to Los Angeles. One of the biggest reasons for this is due to the friendships that I have developed since I’ve been here.  Over the last 5 years I have made the best girlfriends that I’ve ever had and I am regularly awed by what they bring to my life, both in silliness and seriousness.  It’s like being in high school all over again but without the torment and and crushing insecurity.  It’s like Bizarro World high school!

Carol decided to hold Isabel and Kate’s birthday party in a limo the other day, because that’s how we do.  We all screamed along to the new Jonas Brothers and Miley CDs and popped into Robano’s in Toluca Lake for an awesome pizza party.   What could be more funner than spending the afternoon with my MILFAS and their girlies?

world’s greatest moms 

 

 

happy birthday kj & miz iz! 

 

 

 One morning last week, I groggily poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down in front of my computer to begin my day as I always do with a cruise around Huffington Post.  One of the top headlines was something about “Fourth American Idol Judge. Meet Kara!” along with a picture of my good friend Kara DioGuardi.  Ummm…WHAT???!!

I have already created a position for myself as Kara’s Personal Assistant In Matters Only Relating To American Idol (KPAIMORTAI) and I am hopeful that I will be able to begin my new job as soon as I can force Kara to understand how necessary such a position is in her new career.  I mean, who’s gonna announce her a arrival to the set each day by tossing rose petals under her feet and conducting the horns?  That helicopter is not gonna fly itself, either.  And whom, if not I, is going to instruct the riff raff to not address unless addressed nor make direct eye contact with America’s new household name?  There is only one person to meet these challenges and that person is me.

Kara’s sexy man, Mike threw her an impromptu party last night to celebrate her return from the first round of auditions.  Again, more of my favorite girly-os were on hand to toast Ms. Thing.

 

 me, mish, kara, janet

 

 

 We’re heading over to Brian & Cindy Malouf’s house for the final BBQ of the summer and a fitting start to the new school year.

 

xok