Kay Hanley

Everyone is up my ass about “Where are the birthday party pictures?” and “Did you put in an order for that walker yet?  Har har.” and “Why can’t you just post the party pictures on your blog already?  Is it because you are suffering from macular degeneration and dementia because you’re like, really old?”

Look, I’ve been busy, ok? Also, I didn’t FEEL like it and we all know how I don’t like doing things that I don’t want to do.  

michelle lights the candles.  so many candles.  look at her laughing.

my friends understand me 

 usa proposes a toast as i gesticulate

stacy, bill’s arms, scotty. 

gary & janet

me and jess get ready for the party at chez rocker 

 justine & alexandra

kristen, kaylyn & gary 

mario & me. 

nina & dave 

jamie, sara & paul 

me & kristen 

 jaco & vashon are badasses

 linda, me and joey

 kaylyn, fannius & shea.

 mish & pinky

 It was an amazing party, needless to say.  There were so many people in that room that I genuinely love, it was a bit overwhelming.  Thank you, sexy people.  You made me the happiest girl in the whole wide world.

xok 

As the summer draws to a close I would simply like to say that it’s about time.  We have officially run out of things to do with Zoe & Henry.  I am exhausted and possibly in need of a liver transplant from the endless bbqs and pool parties.  I am leaping for joy that school starts on Wednesday so I can resume my more regimented and only somewhat excessive life.   

I would be remiss if I did not mention, however, that we have had such a blast this year and I can’t help but reflect on my charmed fate since relocating to Los Angeles. One of the biggest reasons for this is due to the friendships that I have developed since I’ve been here.  Over the last 5 years I have made the best girlfriends that I’ve ever had and I am regularly awed by what they bring to my life, both in silliness and seriousness.  It’s like being in high school all over again but without the torment and and crushing insecurity.  It’s like Bizarro World high school!

Carol decided to hold Isabel and Kate’s birthday party in a limo the other day, because that’s how we do.  We all screamed along to the new Jonas Brothers and Miley CDs and popped into Robano’s in Toluca Lake for an awesome pizza party.   What could be more funner than spending the afternoon with my MILFAS and their girlies?

world’s greatest moms 

happy birthday kj & miz iz! 

 One morning last week, I groggily poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down in front of my computer to begin my day as I always do with a cruise around Huffington Post.  One of the top headlines was something about “Fourth American Idol Judge. Meet Kara!” along with a picture of my good friend Kara DioGuardi.  Ummm…WHAT???!!

I have already created a position for myself as Kara’s Personal Assistant In Matters Only Relating To American Idol (KPAIMORTAI) and I am hopeful that I will be able to begin my new job as soon as I can force Kara to understand how necessary such a position is in her new career.  I mean, who’s gonna announce her a arrival to the set each day by tossing rose petals under her feet and conducting the horns?  That helicopter is not gonna fly itself, either.  And whom, if not I, is going to instruct the riff raff to not address unless addressed nor make direct eye contact with America’s new household name?  There is only one person to meet these challenges and that person is me.

Kara’s sexy man, Mike threw her an impromptu party last night to celebrate her return from the first round of auditions.  Again, more of my favorite girly-os were on hand to toast Ms. Thing.

 me, mish, kara, janet

 We’re heading over to Brian & Cindy Malouf’s house for the final BBQ of the summer and a fitting start to the new school year.

xok 

As you probably know, we had a “moderate” earthquake in Los Angeles today.  The epicenter was located 30 miles east of LA in Chino Hills.  Here is the email that I sent to my family, who were obviously freaking, especially when I could not be reached on my celly.

It was pretty crazy.  We’re still waiting out the aftershocks so we’ll see how the rest of the day goes, but it seems like the worst is over with no injuries or significant damage.  This was my second earthquake, actually.  The first one was much smaller, but it was the jerking kind so it felt scarier.  This one was a rolling earthquake and it didn’t register at first that it even WAS an earthquake.  I was waiting in line to order some lunch so of course, I was looking down texting.  I started swaying back and forth and felt like I was losing my balance.  I was starving so I thought I was dizzy or something and felt like I needed to sit down.  Nobody seemed to be freaking out.  A minute later someone texted me EARTHQUAKE!!!  Then it dawned on me.  I haven’t had cell service since because all the providers are jammed.

It occurs to me now that today was one of the most peaceful days I have had in a long time because after the quake I drove back home to use my land line and took my sweet time getting back to work.  It was like the west coast equivalent of a snow day from school. 

One of the things that I did to waste time today after I decided to not work was cruise around my Google Analytics thingy (thanks schmidley!) and check out the weirdos that are checking out my blog.  For those of you who don’t know what Google Analytics is, and I barely do, it’s a tool for quantifying traffic on your website.  I just use it to see how many hits per day I get on my blog and where the traffic is coming from (i can’t see email or IP addresses so if you’re stalking me, have no fear. i can’t see the 50-100 hits per week originating from your specific location) but my favorite thing to check out is the keywords that people type into search engines that lead them to my blog.  Here are some of the recent winners:

joe jonas ass   (explains itself)

charles manson left handed   (i need to meet this person)

reklam alany   (?)

kay hanley nude   (sorry kids, i’m catholic. not remotely findable. unless…)

kay hanley alcoholic   (i dunno. i was probably drunk)

o quo tangin wann  (oh yeah, that guy. he’s with reklam alany last i heard.  and they’re IN MY ATTIC!!!)

Also, lots of really disgusting shit about Miley of course, which I will not repeat for obvious reasons.  Several requests for naked pictures of pretty much all the gals on the HM/MC tour.  If search engines are the arbiter of truth about the interwebs, then we are all living amongst very, shall we say, singularly focused people.  Or I could just say you are all big pervs.

I also spent a bit of time today on youtube finding videos of songs that I loved in my youth.  This may or may not cause you to think less of me, but I loved really crappy music in my day.  I don’t even know why I am using past tense here because I still love me some crappy music.  I like to balance out my otherwise impeccable taste in everything else.  Yeah, punk? You wanna say somethin’?  Psssshht….

Here’s one of many favorites from back when I had humongous hair and dated jocks that smelled like Polo Cologne. That smell (which is rare to come across these days) still makes me a bit weak in the knees as memories of nervously slow dancing to Open Arms swirl hazily through my brain, but that’s another topic.  Other immediate thoughts:  Whatever happened to Marilyn McCoo?  Also, didn’t Lisa Lisa have huge boobs?

xok 

Last night we had a lovely party to celebrate the 9th anniversary of the birth of our best gal, Zoe Mabel. Her birthday isn’t actually until next week but this was the last chance to get all of her homies together before she leaves for Cape Cod for the summer. She is such a good kid, I have to *squink squink* my eyeballs in amazement sometimes.

 they all look like teenagers now.  go easy on me, please.

The night before, USA returned from 2 weeks on the road with Rob Dickinson.  For the first week that he was away I held down the fort like a champ but after several Celtics games and pool parties where everyone converged on the home of the rockers, my well oiled machine quickly began coming off the rails.  Here’s a roundup of the 2 weeks that USA was away and all the hooligans that forced me to rock out while the laundry and dishes piled up.

 bill likes to tickle. carol is supportive. stacy gets cozy in front of the tv.

jamie & joey seem nice enough but that kaylyn has always been a troublemaker.

  carol & courtney reprazent tha LMV

At one point during game 5 of the Celtics/Lakers series, my neighbor Ami (a lakers fan) snuck away from the game action in the living room briefly enough to a) not be missed and b) do this to my son.

 this is so wrong. put a yankees cap on him while you’re at it.

Not for nothing, but Carol took this picture and several others.  Thanks a lot, MILFA, I see how it is now.  When I found the pictures on my camera I jumped up and down, threw a fit and proclaimed righteous indignation to all those involved (including ami’s wife and kid) but between me and you, I thought it was pretty funny.  Look at poor Henry with his Rondo shirt underneath the Kobe one, knowing that he was doing something he shouldn’t.  Also, as a lifelong Boston sports fan, I had to respect the cojones.  Don’t tell Ami that though, because he and Jackie owe us dinner because the stupid LAKERS LOST.  HAHA!!!  The more guilt I pour on, the more impressive the dinner will be, is how I figure it.

Other things that have happened over the last few weeks:

The members of one of the bands I’m in went down to Nashville for a week to shoot scenes for a movie.  I think I signed some sort of confidentiality agreement, so I can’t reveal what the movie was or any details, but I think it’s fair to post some pix.  

 me standing in for the star

  stacy and schmidley with some girl.

 One of my closest girlfriends, Melissa Eltringham, moved to Nashville last year.  I cannot express how happy I was to see her and catch up.  When she showed up at my hotel to pick me up for dinner, Hillary Clinton was on CNN giving what we thought was going to be a concession speech (’twas not to be).  We spent the first 15 minutes of our long awaited reunion glued to the TV watching an historic moment in American politics.  How fitting.  It’s a gift to have women like her in my life.  

  love ya, melisse. whoreanous mani/pedi and all…

Henry graduated from pre-school so naturally he and his friends wanted to celebrate at McDonald’s.  He and the guys are all big kindergarteners now.  Gah!  How did that happen?

hank, ryan, aidan & caleb moving up in style.

 On deck:  a whole lot of nothing, I hope.  And then I have to learn the new Miley record for our dates this month.  More to come….

xok 

Fan_3 just sent me this video that she made. Homegirl has BALLS. I love this.

I’m just about finished packing for my flight to NY tomorrow where I will be joining the Miley Cyrus Experience for the Z100 show followed by a private event for Net Jets. To answer your obvious follow up question, no, I am not flying on a Net Jet. I have a cozy little compartment in the baggage hold of an early morning FedEx flight. This works out fine because I have a couple of Xanax, a flask of Southern Comfort and Hello Kitty sleeping bag. I’ve been told that these planes only fly at 32,000 ft so I will most likely have enough oxygen to survive the trip but even if I don’t, I will be none the wiser.

The past week was pretty eventful. Saturday, Miley played at Wango Tango, the radio fest for KIIS out here in LA. I got to see the Jonas Brothers and their band, whom I adore, as you may know. We played some new songs and we also got new wardrobe. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. Candy-o and I went to the celebrity gifting suite, which is a thing that I’ve heard about, but have never gotten to partake in. In a nutshell, a bunch of retailers set up booths in a location where celebrities may or may not be and they GIVE their stuff to them in the hopes that their stuff will show up in US Weekly. Please kill me for knowing this.

free stuff? for us? no we couldn’t!

i like the jobros. they’re nice.

After the show we booked it to our van as fast as we could and blazed back to LA for Justine’s birthday party. We arrived with plenty of time to spare.

the best sister-in-law EVER

i suffered a booty shaking injury because of conroy’s dj skillz

Sunday was

Mothers Day. I had a leisurely morning with the people whom I gave birth to and the father of those people. It was lovely. USA Mike knows how much I miss the the WRKO broadcast of the Red Sox games so for that reason (among others) he got me XM radio for my car and the house. Yay.

Then Z and I went over the hill to check out the video shoot where Miley & Mandy were doing their thing. Apparently they’ve got some kind of dance feud going with the ACDC Crew so they decided to lay the smack down with a huge production. Ah, the world would be a much better place if we could all just lay down our weapons and settle our conflicts through dance battles.

 

b-girlz!!!!

 

 

 

Time for sleepy. Be back soon with reports from the weekend..

 

xok

 

 

USA Mike has been in the studio producing an album for the lovely Lauren for the past week and a half so I have cut back my work schedule to take on some serious mommy duty.  Honestly, I don’t know how stay-at-home moms do this job 7 days a week.  It’s really exhausting.  The nice part, aside from spending rare daytime hours with the kiddos, is that I’ve been doing a lot of cooking and entertaining at home.                 

Jack had a few weeks off from the Jonas Brothers tour so he and Ashlee, one of my favorite ladies from the Miley tour, came over last Friday for dinner.  It was great to catch up with them and get all of the latest news of their lives.  Ash is putting in some major time with her drum lessons and Jack is about to embark on a hugely ambitious year with the JoBros.  Henry and Z are always over the moon to hang out with cool people that they met on tour.

jack, ashlee & z 

ash & z with the lushis-mobile                 

 Over the weekend, we had our somewhat regular Sunday pool party bbq.  During the summer months (when we aren’t in boston) we try to get as many people as possible over to our house on the weekends to swim, eat and drink.  The last variable of that equation usually has me feeling like shit on Monday morning, but it’s always worth it.

luke, kate & henry 

luke & isabel 

 omg, it’s milo & jackson!!!

Last week, I went to the 40th birthday party of one of my best girlfriends, Kaylyn Thornal.   At some point during our 15 year friendship, I became a soccer mom and she became a hot lesbian director.  It’s as if that song “Ebony & Ivory” was written just for us, but instead of a song about blacks and whites, it’s breeders and dykes.  I’m not sure who’s Stevie Wonder and who’s Paul McCartney in this relationship but I love her a lot and she, me.

mish, kaylyn, fan & kristen 

me & my besties.

Michael & I just bought a painting  by the artist Tim Bavington.  As always, the brilliant Naomi was the person who introduced this beautiful piece of art into our lives but I have to be honest:  I am terrified now that I have this thing in my house.   If Henry throws one of his Indiana Jones daggers in the wrong direction, we will be screwed to the tune of a new car and then I will be forced to administer a near fatal beating to my own flesh and blood.  Trust me when I say that I can think of a dozen similar scenarios between my children and this painting that might reasonably result in me resorting to some kind of violence, and that’s kind of scary.  Hey, beauty is truth. Sometimes brutally so.  Check out our awesome new painting!

naomi & the bavington   

 For those of you who have asked for my opinion on the Miley Cyrus maelstrom, here is my answer.  

 i don’t care. nor should you.

Solidarity,

Kay 

Due to the nature of my work, I have acquaintances from all over the world and from all sorts of backgrounds.  Some of the people that I know start out as Cleo fans or posters on my message board and then somehow they just become part of my life.   A few weeks back, one of the KH message board peeps sent me an email saying that he and his wife were coming to LA from Chicago to hang out, so despite having never met in person, we made plans to have lunch.  It’s funny how in this day and age, when we do so much of our communicating over the web, that you can meet someone for the first time and connect as if you already know each other because you DO know each other from sharing similar virtual interests, sometimes for years.  It’s a strange kind of vetting process, isn’t it?

Adi and Shayna showed up at 11:45am.  I showed them around our house and then brought them out back to check out our recording studio and introduce them to USA Mike, who never leaves the damn place, and then we strolled over to Mexicali on Ventura for some people watching and grub. It was a gorgeous afternoon even by LA standards so we chose a table outside and caught up on what has been happening with all of us; their years in Israel before they were a couple, my cockamamie schemes, real estate in Los Angeles, blah, blah.  Because Adi and Shayna are newlyweds, the conversation about how they met and got married came up quickly.

• • adi:   “it was kind of a saga.”
  • me:   “the best stories always are.”
  • shayna:   “does she know?”
  • adi:  “no.”
  • me: “what are you talking about?”
  • shayna:   “i was shot in the chest during a terrorist attack in israel.”
  • me:   “……….” 

 Hands down, they are the all time winners of the “how we met” contest with their star-crossed, globe-trotting, death-defying tale of love ignored, found, lost and then found again.   The tale also reminds me that even one life lost to violence and war diminishes all of our lives.   The innocent woman blown up by a god driven terrorist in Kabul, Jerusalem, Karachi, New York, Mosul, Yemen, London or Mogadishu is surely someone’s daughter, sister or mother, but she may also be your future wife and mother to the children you hope to have someday.

 That was the the most fascinating lunch conversation I’ve ever had guys, and I thank you for sharing the story with me.

  shayna & adi     

After I parted ways with my fabulous lunch companions I had to get back to the house and take care of a bunch of stuff and then get ready for sound check at the Henry Fonda Theatre.  Michelle had been asked by our friend David Gray at Island Records to put together groups of backup singers for an Aussie superstar by the name of Delta Goodrem who was performing industry showcases in NY and LA.  Since I am totally a profesh backup singer now, Mish roped me into generously offered me a job on her LA team.   It was actually a lot of fun.  The other singers, Nadia and Brandon (stacy lynes, i’ll give you one guess where you know brandon from) are ridiculously good, as is Michelle, so I’m sure nobody noticed when I stopped singing at a critical moment at the end of the very spare piano/vocal song because I started choking.  Literally AND figuratively.   Sorry about that, Delta.  At least we know it will never happen again. 

 On that note, I’m deciding that being a professional backup singer kind of sucks.  I’ve only ever done the backup gig with Miley and I LOVE that job so I assumed that you get always treated a certain way.  Even though Delta was super pro and respectful, I had this weird “faceless employee” feeling all night that made me think that the backup singer career has the potential to be a little dehumanizing.   No matter, even at its crappiest, any career where you get to sing or play music all the time beats punching a clock.  

we will not work under these conditions!!  unless you pay us. 

 xok  

Especially cute rock boys from the south. If they are from Georgia, all the better as far as I’m concerned. The first time I met Butch Walker, he actually replied to something I said to him with an un-ironic “Yes, ma’am.” Southern rock boys look as stylishly dangerous as any band from Brooklyn or London but with none of the contrivance. They will say “please” and “excuse me” and listen patiently as you breathlessly embarrass yourself attempting to offer some interesting points that they’ve never heard before about how awesome their band is because you want them to think you’re clever and maybe ask you out for beers later but then you get all off message and weird and end up saying something stupid about their leather jacket or their haircut and now they’ll never want to make out with you because you’re just like everyone else but with the added bonus of being a dimwit. Still, they will blush a little and say “thank you so much, that really means a lot” and you will feel like they really mean it. When I say you I mean YOU, not me, because I am cool as a cucumber, baby.

Anyhoodles, Stacy is producing this band from Atlanta called The Modern Society and they invited me down to the studio to sing a couple of background bits on their new album. They are totally super-dee-duper. When I listen to their music over and over, alone in my secret room with lit candles, a bottle of scotch and The Modern Society posters as wallpaper I think of J. Mascis fronting Superdrag. If you know me, you will realize that this is high praise indeed.

hi. we’re the modern society. you may swoon now.

A few weeks back I did an interview with Vivian Manning-Schaffel for a parenting blog called Babble.com. I’ve never done an interview that focused on motherhood before, so it was kind of a nice shift of focus from the typical Q&A, which after 20 years has gotten pretty tedious. Thanks for going easy on me my first time out, Vivian. Check out the article here

Okay, then. Have a nice weekend. Bye.

xok

When I was a kid, Easter Sunday meant 3 things:

1) Very rare Hanley family clothes shopping trip for new patent leather shoes and frilly dress combo

2) 2 hour Mass

3) Spring had sprung

Nowadays, Easter is a harbinger of Summer in Los Angeles because Spring is pretty much a thing of the past by late March. I don’t go to Mass anymore because nobody makes me. But come to think of it, I did wear patent leather shoes today. I didn’t even do that on purpose!!! Most of my friends are Jewish or Protestants of some kind, so at this time of year we all do a mishmash of holiday celebrations that are meant to acknowledge our cultural backgrounds. We eat a ton of food, drink a ton of wine and the kids and dogs are stoked. Yay.

I have no idea where I was going with all that. Let’s get to the fun of my non-denominational Easter weekend!

On Friday I had a sort-of-but-not-really business lunch at Alcove in Los Feliz with my dear friend Chad. I wish I could have lunch with him every day because he is just the bee’s knees. If I wasn’t a married woman and Chad didn’t think girls were yucky, we would be like totally whatever, y’know?

sigh…

Friday night was a typical StuCid yuppie fest with the Soccers, a few other neighbors, all the kiddos and many, many bottles of wine. Do people still say yuppie, btw? Now that I kind of am one I would like to be able to finally claim this pejorative as my own. Girl cannot live on liberal elitist alone, y’know.

My friend Mario runs this website that he’s been trying to get off the ground the entire time I’ve known him. I don’t get all show-offy with him about my blog getting upwards of several hundred hits a week because I don’t want to shit on his happiness or diminish his accomplishments. Or maybe that’s hits per month. Whatever. The point is, he’s got his little “thing” and I support him entirely because that’s the kind of person I am. Last night was Mario’s 30th birthday so Fan, Kristen, Kaylyn and I slapped on some lip gloss and went to his birthday party. For some reason, The Pussycat Dolls got lost on their way to the street walking whore convention and ended up shaking it for us at le petite soirée. They were so nice to humor him by being good sports and not acknowledging their blunder. Klassy.

{vidavee id=”6534″ w=”320″ }

fan & mario

marc, you know i adore you but the summer ‘08
collection is not that fierce. it’s just alright for me, dawg.
your new bf is super cute though.

ted and k-squeeze

hooligans

hey z, look at me!!!

If you know me, you know that I am a big fan of the gay people. But for some reason I cannot get with the tranny lip synchers. Why do the gay boys like that crap so much? And here’s an even better question: Why is Andy Milonakis still showing up at stuff and acting like a moron? I remember cracking a smile once when I thought he was 12 and he was singing “the superbowl is gay” but a lot of time has passed since that smile crossed my lips lo those many years ago. That passing time has not been filled with laughter. Here’s Andy wacky-ing it up in front of Kiki & Herb who were performing Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Of course they were.

oh andy, will the fun never start?

We had a really fun night. And then I went home and slept like a rock. A somewhat inebriated, gussied up rock. Thanks for the always excellent party, M. Yer the best.

I’ll try and post my pix from Gil & Nina Junger’s Easter egg hunt tomorrow. Sleepy.

xok

Los Angeles is at its Springtime-y peak and the Hanley-Eisenstein posse officially kicked into high gear, Val-stylee. I’ll go through the weekend’s pictures and stories when I’m feeling more industrious but I can’t let the day pass without showing you these pix that Justine took last night.

Zoemay and I were returning from Jessie’s 20th birthday tea party in Santa Monica. We decided to meet USA & Henry at Justine & Gary’s new house, where the boys were working on the unenviable task of setting up surround sound, wireless, Vonage, etc.. Since Z & I were all dressed up, Justine decided to set up an impromptu photo shoot:

Check out Justine’s blog for more photos. She rules.

xok